Conversation With a Hippogriff
by Zinnith
Summary: Belongs to the same series as Dead Man in Our Bed and As The Wedding Bells Are Ringing. Sirius Black, alone and depressed at Grimauld Place, pours his heart out to Buckbeak. "I said I wan't sane." SBOC


_Disclaimer: The world and characters of Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling, not me. Cat Davis, however, is mine. I make absolutely no money from this._

_A/N: I've written Remus, I've written Cat, now I guess it's time for Sirius. I've kept away from him for a while, because I don't know how to write him. Pre-Azkaban Sirius, I can write, and I'd like to think that I can write him quite well, but Grimauld Place Sirius is another matter. I'll do my best._

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**Conversation With a Hippogriff**

Hello there, Buckbeak. How are you doing? Yeah, same here.

I hate this place. I really really hate this place. Kind of ironic though, to keep you in mother's old room. Hippogriff dung all over her precious things. Heh. I guess that's what people call poetic justice.

You want another rat? Here you go, old boy, there's plenty of more where that came from. You can eat all the rats you want. Except for one of course. That special rat, I want to deal with myself.

It looks like it's going to be a lonely weekend again. Moony left for another of his little 'excursions' this morning. I really don't want to know what he's doing when he's away. Or rather, I really want to know, but I don't think I could stand to sit here knowing that he's out doing all those exciting things while I'm locked up here in the House.

Funny, after I left that time I thought I'd never have to come inside these doors again. Cat said I'd never have to go back. I guess that changed. Nowadays she seems to be more interested in making sure I'm stuck here.

Aw, hell, Beaky, don't listen to me. You know I didn't mean that. She just wants me to be safe. They all want me to be safe, and that's why I have to stay. I _know_ that.

Doesn't mean I'm happy with it though.

Anyway, Cat left too, for the Department of Mysteries. She said she'd probably be late, and that means she won't be home until tomorrow morning. If even that. Which leaves us two here alone. Oh the joy!

Oh, and Kreacher of course. Let's not forget Kreacher.

I hate this place.

You know what I often wonder, Buckbeak? When you lay there in Hagrid's pumpkin patch, before Harry and Hermione rescued you, did you _know_ that you were going to die? When they bound you there, and that bloody bastard McNair came with his axe, did you know what was happening? Did you understand that your life was almost over?

I almost think you did. You're smarter than most wizards.

Funny that, because I feel the same way. Like someone tied me up in the pumpkin patch and left me there to await my execution. Just that this pumpkin patch is a frigging castle of horror and the execution… well, I could always hope for a swift stroke from an axe, but the more I think of it, the more do I realise that I'll probably just fade away, or go insane. Whatever happens first.

Not that I was sane from the beginning.

But you know, this House is killing me. I can almost feel it breathing down my neck, and the walls of my room seem to be closing in on me. If I close my eyes, they'll probably sneak up on me and crush me.

I said I wasn't sane.

It's worse when I'm alone. Not that it's easy when they're here either, but when they're away, I'm counting the minutes until they're coming home again. The funny thing is that sometimes I can hardly stand to see them when they're here. I'm locking myself up here with you instead. But it's good to hear their footsteps in the hall. At least until mother start screaming her lungs out about 'monsters' and 'muggle-loving dirty halfbloods'.

Remus says I shouldn't say 'funny' when I mean 'peculiar' or 'strange' or something else. And it's not 'ha-ha' funny I mean, but I still like the word. Funny. If nothing else it's a remainder of the time when we really knew how to have fun.

Remus is like that when it comes to language. Must be because he writes all that stuff. I don't pay much attention to his lectures. Just like the old days.

He came to Azkaban, did you know that? Of course you do. I've told you about it a dozen times. But he was the only one who came.

He stood on the other side of the bars and stared at me, and I stared back. I wanted to explain it all, try to make him understand what had happened, but I kept silent. Mostly because I didn't know what to say. I've never been good with words, that was always Lily's…oh no, don't think of her and Prongs, don't think of them, because then they're coming they're coming in their cloaks and their hoods and they're and feeding off me like bleeding vampires…

Sorry. Lost myself for a moment there.

Anyway, I remember that I wondered what he was doing there, and I remember that I thought that if he cared enough to come and see me, maybe he didn't believe… So we stood there, staring at each other between the iron bars of that cursed cell, and I remember the look in his eyes. He has eyes so light brown that they can almost be described as amber, and when he laughs they get this bright golden gleam. He wasn't laughing then though. He just stared at me, and those amber-coloured eyes were flat and haunted, the eyes of someone who had just lost everything. Then he spoke those few words, the last ones he would speak to me for the next twelve years, and I realized that he _had_ lost everything.

"Cat's flat burned down this morning. She's dead."

And then he left, and I watched his back disappearing among the shadows, and I was too shocked to even call him back and demand to know everything. Partly because I had no right to demand anything, but mostly because I had heard the underlying tone in his voice and the unspoken words as well. "_I hope you're satisfied."_ __

Then I don't remember anything else, because as soon as the realization hit me, the fact that my Sapphire girl was dead and gone, most likely murdered by the death eaters just like her father before her, the Dementors was drawn to my cell, called by the deliciousness of my emotions, my despair, my grief. The next few days or so, I don't remember anything at all from, and I have a feeling I spent them shaking in a corner, trying to claw my own brains out.

I mean that literally. Why do you think I keep my hair long? I really don't want people to see those scars on my scalp.

That happened eleven years before my escape, almost exactly one year after their deaths. I'll never understand how Cat was able to keep away from the Death Eaters even for that long. I'm not entirely sure how she survived the fire either, but I have heard that that slimy git Snape played a large part. Something about debts to be repaid, they told me, and then they stopped at that. Not that I'm interested in knowing what Cat could possibly have done for Snape to make him feel obliged to save her life and then keep her existence a secret for the next twelve years.

She said she went travelling, ending up somewhere in Scandinavia as a librarian at some school. I can imagine that.

The funny thing is, I don't think I realised how much I love her until I thought she was dead. I knew I _needed_ her. Hell, I _still_ need her. But you know, in Azkaban, the whole world is so twisted anyway so you don't care much about anything else than your own torment. They could've came and told me that Hogwarts had blown up with all the students, they could have told me that Voldemort wasn't gone after all. I wouldn't have cared. But when Moony told me that my Sapphire girl was dead, everything just fell apart. If I hadn't really been innocent, I don't think I would've lived long.

I tried not to think much about her when I was in there. I didn't want the Dementors to taint my memories of her, or even worse, take them away altogether. They can do that, you know. There's large chunks of my childhood that's just…missing… I remember things we did, pranks we played, but I can't remember how they felt. I just couldn't let them take away Cat from me like that. To forget what it felt like the first time I kissed her, or the first time we…

Um. Nevermind. That's not a story for sensitive hippogriff ears.

There's other things I'm glad they didn't take too. All those fights we had. Merlin, what a voice that girl has. I think I spent most part of our time at Hogwarts on her bad side, for one reason or another. She always forgave me though. Not that I was overjoyed with her behaviour all the time either. She could be a really annoying little know-it-all. She still is. It's just, I love her anyway. I think I did from the very beginning, despite everything.

Inevitable should be the word. We were drawn to each other like a moth to the flame. I'm not sure who's the moth and who's the flame, but I always liked the metaphor.

I'm glad she decided we were worth the risk. I don't think I could've endured this life without her. Merlin knows it's not easy for her. I don't know how many times she's kissed my nightmares away. She never complains about me waking her up in the middle of the night with my screams.

She has nightmares of her own, you know. She wakes up drenched in cold sweat, breathing hard, heart pounding like a sledgehammer in her chest. She never screams though. Not the way I do. She won't talk of her dreams, and I don't want to hear. I don't want to admit it, but sometimes she scares me. She can be…I don't know…ruthless I guess. She has this goal, and she's prepared to do anything to achieve it. I guess that's why Voldemort bought her story in the first place. And I guess that's why I hate him so much. For murdering James and Lily, and for stealing my Sapphire girl's innocence. If it wasn't for him, we could've been happy.

What? Me, bitter? I don't know what you're talking about.

She's loosing weight too, and you know, that's quite alarming for being Cat. She was never one of those skinny girls, but now I can count each and every one of her ribs. We've got to make her eat better, Buckbeak. I'll speak to Remus about it. He's also too thin, come to think of it. Pity I can't cook, because then I could at least make myself useful feeding them. Remus has always been too thin though. He's getting old before his time, Moony. I hardly recognize him anymore, with all that grey hair. His limp is getting worse too, when he forgets to hide it. He doesn't want to worry Cat, but I know she's noticed already. There's not much that gets past my Sapphire girl.

I'm going to leave them the House. I spoke to Dumbledore some time ago about a will, just in case, just to make sure the Order can keep its highquarters, just in the highly unlikely circumstances, and so on. And it _is_ important. If I don't say otherwise, the House will go to my next of kin. 'Meda and Tonks doesn't want to have anything to do with the place, and to have it go to Narcissa or Bellatrix…I don't want to think of it. Remus and Cat can take care of it. They know enough about the Dark Arts to be able to keep the damn place in check. That's what I wrote in the will too. Dumbledore and Arthur Weasley witnessed the thing, once again, just in case…

A very likely case if you ask me. Really. I'm not a Seer or anything, but I've got the feeling that I won't survive this war. A dead man walking, that's what I am. Hopefully not I won't die just yet, hopefully not ever, because I don't want to think of what it would mean to Pr…sorry, Harry. He's lost just about everyone he has. But on the other hand, we're awfully short on hope right now. The only thing _I_ can hope for is that it will be quick and clean, the axe instead of a long painful descent into madness.

And now I'm talking rubbish again. You shouldn't listen to me when I'm in this mood, Buckbeak. I'm not in my right mind. People could think I was suicidal. Really, as soon as Moony comes home again, I'll be better. Not all right, but better. We'll sit in front of the fire and share a bottle of wine and talk about the good old days of the Marauders, and Cat will join too, if she can take a break from her books.

But still, just in case, I think I'll have to have a word with Moony. Not yet, I'll wait for a couple of weeks more. But I'll have to ask him to take care of my Sapphire girl, when….if…something should happen. Just in case. And I hope she'll take care of him too. None of them are made to be alone. So I'll speak to them. Soon.

Just in case.

**The End**

**This arc is definitely ending here. Now I've covered all the three corners in the triangle, and I think it's time to let our beloved Padfoot rest in peace and allow the other two to get on with their lives and be happy.**


End file.
